Some very personal thoughts on negative sayings and phrases in everyday language.

My life has been a patchwork quilt of rolling hills, mountains, valleys, and plateaux.

I’ve spent a lot of time chasing rainbows, wallowing in misery and drowning my sorrows. I’ve spent a lot of

time feeling like the grass was greener and experiencing all the rest of the clichés that were fed into my little

brain in childhood. Many of those phrases used by the elders of the family were meant to serve me well in my

becoming a fine upstanding member of the community; they only compounded my fear and suspicion of the

world around me. I have to make it very clear at this point that I am not taking a cynical view of the world,

and I am certainly not laying the blame onto my family. I fully accept that I am a product of everything that

has happened to me and I also take responsibility for my adult life. We are allowed to think about the stuff

that has happened to us in the past. We should be able to give ourselves permission to analyse the data

of our lives in a controlled and structured way from time to time. Counselling and psychotherapy are

enormously helpful tools here and coaching to a certain extent.

I’ve looked back for many years over childhood and come to terms with my stuff with the help of counselling

and psychotherapy, and most of the time found these therapies to be enormously helpful. However there

are aspects to our lives that we can analyse ourselves. There are simple methods of looking at the things

you believe in. Have a think about the everyday phrases and sayings that we use. Think about the old

wives tales that your mum or grandma use. How many of them do you still use and how true are they?

Have you said them to others in the hope of them taking your advice that seems so full of wisdom?

Here are a few that had a negative effect on me when they were absorbed in childhood.  Most of them

make me laugh now and I would never put anyone else down for using them – I just recognise what

they mean to me now and I also choose not to say them in conversations without giving a full

explanation of what I really mean.

“There’s no smoke without fire.”

Well actually, there is – smoke is created in a number of ways thank you! What about that loaf defrosting

in the microwave – leave it on too high for too long and you will have a house filled with yellow smoke

without a hint of fire ( I don’t recommend that you try this). This phrase suggests that schemes are

perpetrated against us behind our backs – we should watch ourselves, be on guard. Blimey, I don’t

want to act like a private investigator noticing every moment as though it could be a sign of suspicious

behaviour. It would be exhausting and pointless. This phrase is often used in a gossip situation when

change is on the horizon - it is especially used in the workplace when restructuring is taking place.

“Everything comes to he who waits.”

I spent years waiting for things to happen, being patient, believing in my abilities, and myself.

Unfortunately, this didn’t help me to get anything done or practice my skills. I took this one too far,

became completely inactive for a while, and felt bloody awful. Even now, I really don’t like to wait

unnecessarily. Waiting used to give me the chance to think of all the things that may go wrong and

used to lead to feelings of self-sabotage. Of course, this did depend on what I was waiting for. Think

of the feelings involved when you are waiting for a loved one to return home and they are very late

and there is no explanation. The insecure part of us begins to imagine the worst-case scenario.

To bring new circumstances into our lives we have to take action, rather than pass the time in our

heads mulling over what we might get done. Think about the waiting game again. The phrase that

springs to mind is a “watched pot never boils” – which again is false. However, time, seems to slow

down and we can become bored and agitated. Go away from the pot and distract yourself for a while

and that cup of tea can be on the way in what seems like seconds. Distraction can be a healthy way

of moving forward as long as it’s not used as a tool to avoid the real issues. Distraction can help you

to see a different viewpoint especially if the method used is pleasurable. Another old phrase that

describes this is “Blowing the cobwebs away”. I really adore this expression as it conjures up images

of walking outside on a bright breezy day and feeling energised and clear in the head. It doesn’t

solve the problems but it makes you feel more able to cope. The scientist in me would talk of endorphins

and all those lovely helpful chemicals that are produced from even mild exercise. Again, this is nature’s

way of providing an extra push forward.

“You’re a Jack-of-all-trades, master of none.”

This implies a good all rounder but someone who doesn’t really fulfil their potential or indeed recognise

their potential.  That was definitely me. I don’t want any of this to begin to sound like an advert for life

coaching so please don’t get me wrong here; I don’t want sound like someone who preaches to others

about the way life should be led. I just feel that it can be great to know the things you are good at and

the things you enjoy. And it’s wonderful to share those skills with the people around you. However, the

mastery of one skill doesn’t define you as a worthy person. I floated around my life never really excelling

at anything until my true calling came along – and believe me I was a late developer in this respect.

Ambitions and goals can change over time – they change with your emotions and your environment.

Nothing in life is fixed. You may choose to master one subject, obviously many people do – when you do,

make sure you are doing it because you love it and you want to get it done for you. Mastery of a skill will

then seem easier because you perform the learning process with more passion and vitality. You choose to

master a skill when you feel you have been the apprentice for long enough – this choice is made by you at

the right time in your life. Not all the feverish activity in the world will bring it any closer if you don’t feel

engaged in the activity.

“You’re Useless”

My mum said this phrase to me when I got something wrong, usually when she had asked me to help her.

I want to make it very clear that it is not my intention to slag my mum off, may she rest in peace. However,

the subtle effect of this phrase meant I subsequently viewed any task asked of me with fear. I used to feel

as though my superiors might tell me off and show me up in front of others if I did something wrong. This had

an impact in my early working life – I developed an unhealthy way of viewing my bosses. I saw them as

unapproachable, someone who I couldn’t talk to on an equal footing. In other words I felt subservient.

“You need to be brought down a peg or two.”

I see this being used as a tool to curb the enthusiasm or confidence of someone. It is often said to a person

displaying arrogance or a superior attitude. It had an effect on me as a child as I worried how they were going

to bring me down a peg or two! What were they going to do to me? I think the phrase is damaging all on its

own. It’s very threatening.  We don’t stop to think that some children who are maybe deemed precocious

and cocky sometimes suffer very negative emotions which are turned in on themselves because of other

people's expectations of them, especially if the child is intelligent. The child forgets they are allowed to be

vulnerable and succumbs to being brought down - and if this happens regularly enough the child is likely

to stay down.

I’ve heard these phrases time and time again. It’s almost as though fairy stories, clichés and old wives'

tales were the actual staple holding communication together at one period of time. Why were these

phrases used so much; do we still have to subscribe to those beliefs? Why can’t we break out of this

mould and begin to discover a more creative way of expressing our feelings rather than pushing the

other person down, be them man, woman or child?

“Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.”

Isn’t this a precious one? It implies that no-one wants to know if you’re sad. Nobody else acts like that.

You’re the only one. Go and be alone if you want to cry. Nobody else is interested. Pah!

I don’t get on with this one at all. When I see someone crying I usually want to ask them what has happened.

I noticed a woman in emotional distress a few months ago. I was on the bus and she was walking along the

road. She was an older woman, beautifully made up, wearing immaculate clothes. She was walking along

the footpath with tears rolling down her cheeks (obviously wearing waterproof mascara as she didn’t

resemble a panda at that moment in time). If I hadn’t been on the bus I would have wanted to have asked

her what had happened. There was a fleeting moment where the empathic tendency in me reached out

and felt her emotion fleetingly. I know people do cry alone but I still find it sad.

“Children should be seen and not heard.”

A very famous Victorian phrase here from a time when children worked in factories, unblocked chimneys

and mined for coal – hello!!!

It’s amazing to think of this uncaring attitude – I know kids are noisy and sometimes absolutely unbearably

wearing. Ask yourself, how long does childhood last? How long does that window of innocence remain?

Can we compare Victorian childhood which was pretty tough for many impoverished children to the early

puberty/adulthood that occurs these days?

This phrase gave me a feeling that I wasn’t able to say what was on my mind unless an adult gave

me permission to speak, Otherwise I was to remain in a silent state to draw my own conclusions

from what was going on around me.

“Pull yourself together” (a doctor once said this to me in the depths of a depression)

The famous words usually uttered by someone who doesn’t have a clue about life! The doctor in question

actually did look like a Victorian relic and he coupled this with saying with “go out and get a job”. Bear in

mind, I was recovering from my mum’s death and also coping with redundancy. Not very helpful!

To top this off I was born on a Wednesday so according to my mother I was doomed to lead a life of woe!

And the date is the 13th which my family always regarded as unlucky. Such small phrases yet huge and

mysterious to the tiny child who has to rely on input from the big people to grow.

In actual fact I have processed most of these negatives. As children we aren’t able to make our own

choices about such advising words and phrases. We take them literally and find our own meanings.

Of course, many parents find themselves walking a politically correct line with children and still feeling

ragged when their excellent efforts don’t pay off because the child itself is behaving like one of Satan’s brood.

I guess I am talking about taking care with the language you use toward others, especially those who are

impressionable. I try to think about the phrases I use and whether they are part of my truth. I own and

take responsibility for my words and honour the effect they may have on others and hope that I aim to

nurture and respect those around me.

Richard Leighton

© August 2005

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