If you are an avid reader of self-help articles, then this will sound familiar and yes, I have to admit it is a

bit of a cliché – but it is a positive one so I stand by it. If this is the first self help article that you’ve delved

into, then you may feel differently. You may be looking for answers that lead to quick fixes for your current

issues; you might be feeling overwhelmed by your circumstances. No matter where you find yourself, each

passing moment is an essential part of your journey and even if things are looking hopeless, I can assure

you there is always an alternative perspective.

Every single situation you find yourself in, contributes in some way to your life journey. I sense many of you

are thinking this is an obvious statement to make, but it’s an affirmation that can be enormously helpful

when you are in the thick of things and feel like your choices have been taken away. Sometimes people

feel trapped by their circumstances. Even the person who appears to have it all can feel shoved into a

corner; many people feel unhappy in their work but the money is great so they stick at it making stacks

of dough, but staying in a state of discontent; some people stay in unhappy relationships because of the

fear being alone. The human animal is just as fearful as any other animal when cornered.

“Ch.. ch.. changes…”

When negative circumstances seem to be forced upon us, the only thing left to do is remind yourself that

another alternative exists – it may be hiding away in the shadows, but it’s always there. Very often, this

elusive alternative route has to be broken down into several different small moves in order for us achieve

it.  These alternatives aren’t necessarily big life changes – they are very often subtle moves along our

path that can bring about new beginnings and welcome endings. From my perspective, endings, although

sometimes sad, can be wonderful, because they allow a new beginning to emerge!

I tend to remind myself that every situation has its beginning and end – a friend recently said to me that

most things in this world have a shelf life. I think this is true to a certain extent, but for those who want to

maintain status quo, the prospect of continual change can be a bitter pill to swallow. When something begins

or ends whether it is good or bad, a new energy flows into us, and change always occurs whether we like it

or not.  Faced with a new environment and a different state of mind our values, beliefs, and expectations

shift and are sometimes challenged. This new energy usually results in outward emotional expression, which

becomes almost tangible, especially when someone displays it as anger or tension, hence the phrase ‘you

could cut the atmosphere with a knife’! When we feel strongly about something new in our lives, we don’t

always know how to react and that’s ok. Sometimes, the arousal of new beginnings and endings can cause

the emotions to run riot especially when the events are unplanned. Our lives are full of such events, some

of them helping us to make amazing leaps forward; others hold us back with seemingly insurmountable challenges.

So far, I’ve said that life is a journey and it’s packed full of surprises and plenty of beginnings and endings.

We all come into the world as helpless little beings, with a smattering of instinct, and not a great amount of

sense. From this moment onwards, we will be nurtured, loved, moulded, shaped, kicked, manipulated,

emotionally blackmailed, stimulated, depressed, and generally affected by others and our changing

environment. Everything around us has an effect and we move along our path absorbing it all – a huge

amount of that information is taken in subconsciously, especially as infants.  Suffice to say the information

we pick up isn’t always welcome and over time the contents of our life journey take their toll and self-care

isn’t always top of the list of priorities. The content of our life journey is commonly known as baggage!

Is your body a temple or a sexy sports car?

Have you ever owned an old car or bicycle? My first car was a clapped out Ford Escort, a typical boy racer car

of the eighties. Many of the journeys I made in that car were on a wing and a prayer. I did not have a clue

how to fix something if it went wrong – I just about knew how to change a tyre and top up the oil and

water. Now I am older and hopefully wiser I have the sense to pay for a rescue and recovery service,

which gives me a certain amount of peace of mind when taking a long journey. In addition, the car I have

now is much more reliable.

In a sense, your body is your vehicle and you are the driver. How tuned up is your vehicle? When did you

last put yourself through a full MOT? Are you in need of a full service? Indeed, how good a driver are you?

How well do you drive in accordance with the speed and conditions of your life? Is your vehicle fully equipped

for the journey? Just like the car, our bodies and minds need a complex mixture of ingredients to help them

function to their optimum levels. Finding your own optimum level of operation can sometimes involve

temporary discomfort. Moving out of our own personal comfort zone is a wonderfully empowering thing to do.

Changing our eating habits, exercise regimes and detoxing are actually easy things to do – they just require

action, a little determination, and a lot of support and encouragement. Sure, if you’re a couch potato taking

an exercise class for the first time, it’s probably going to feel uncomfortable on many levels; but logic and

experience can teach us that we will get used to our new regime pretty quickly because it actually will

benefit us in a positive way. Think about the positive moves you can make that benefit you physically. They

may be small moves, but those moves always lead to lasting success. When you begin to think about your

body and understand how the right input can lead to excellent output and better performance all round, logic

takes over and you may find yourself putting the cream doughnuts back on the shelf at the supermarket and

choosing fruit. Very often, we are driven to make change by the positive influences of people we look up to or

admire. Just as infants absorb and copy the roles that adults play, we can do the same. Be inspired by your

friend who has juice everyday and goes to the gym 3 times a week. Take a leaf out of their book. Ask them

about their secrets of success – do they use motivational methods that you can adapt to suit your own

needs? However, what you do to your body isn’t about trying to look or be like someone else – it’s about

feeling good in your own skin – being comfortable with who you are. The fact is our brains respond well to

good healthy food and even mild regular exercise, and a chain reaction begins - when you start to feel good

inside everything else in life becomes easier to handle and process.

We are all so different and our bodies respond in different ways. Think about those awful diets that some

people torture themselves with – they work well for some, yet for others they fail, even when the same rules

are applied. It is ridiculous really, when you think about it – I have known people to faint and have mini

breakdowns over some of the diets they have tried. We all know that eating healthily is a must for anyone

wanting to improve themselves and the tough alternative is your vehicle breaking down – this will always

happen when the wrong type of fuel is put in – you wouldn’t put diesel in a petrol engine would you? So

why do people fill their arteries with fat and their bloodstreams with high levels of stimulants? There are

many reasons, each person having their own motivation for any type of positive or negative behaviour.

People who begin to consider their own health, eventually find themselves making more conscious choices

such as, ‘Do I need that last cigarette of the day?’ or ‘Do I need that 5^th cup of coffee?’ ‘Do I really want

to eat pasta for lunch and then potatoes with dinner?’

If our vehicles/bodies are functioning well we can usually cope with the myriad of twists and turns in the life

journey.  There are times when we follow the road carefully and can usually see the way ahead clearly.

Sometimes, the way ahead is misty and we have to look carefully before moving – sometimes a thick fog

descends and we do not have a clue how we could begin to see through it. Then in time, the fog clears and

we regain our sense of direction. However, if we already feel low the abovementioned journey would be

more like the journey from hell, in a clapped out vehicle, which does not feel safe. I know what I would prefer.

Prediction and preparation

Have you noticed how people use weather terms to describe their current state?

‘Every cloud has a silver lining’ or ‘this is the calm before the storm’ etc.  Some people describe depression

as a black cloud hanging over their head or a maelstrom of emotions. We talk of waves of emotion sweeping

over us.

Like the weather, the situations that occur in life, can be difficult to predict and prepare for. I’ve been caught

out on a couple of occasions without an umbrella and raincoat, arriving at my destination looking like a

drowned rat, and not feeling too happy.  I’ve also felt that very common depressive feeling when the rain is

non-stop for two weeks and everything looks and feels grey.

Making sense of the unpredictable nature of life (and the weather!) has become an important part of many

peoples lives. This world is becoming more unpredictable day by day; therefore, the need to have structure

to ones life is greater. As we move through our journey, ideally we gain experience and accrue a number of

inbuilt mechanisms to assist our role as a participant in this wonderful world.  Another of our tasks is to

remember how we coped under pressure so we can understand the elements of our experiences and use

them as an ally for future reference. All too often, the testing stuff in life is thrown up at the most inopportune

moments. It’s all well and good talking about best intentions and remembering how you coped, but when a

relative dies while you are moving house, and you’ve just started a new job but don’t have any clean clothes

because the washing machine blew up,  you do tend to wonder how you would cope if something else went

wrong. Very often, people turn to others for help because they’ve lost their motivation or they can’t see the

wood for the trees. People who want to move forward in life, like to have a good understanding of what

makes them tick and how their buttons are pressed. People want to be able to assure themselves that if

similar challenges occur in the future they will be able to choose the wash and go option, rather than rinse

and repeat! Understanding how we feel about our own patterns of behaviour, can help us to weigh up the

benefits of repeating an action that is, in reality, useless. If our journey needs to progress down a specific

desired pathway, and there are self-imposed obstacles in the way, we can learn to remove them if they are

considered to be of no use. I often ask the question – ‘How useful is this emotion on a scale of 1-10 in

achieving your goal’. If the score were one, a method of allowing that negative emotion to move into the

background would be the primary objective as well as replacing it with a more useful state of mind. Believe

it or not this can be achieved simply by looking at the strengths you possess rather than the things you hate

about yourself. Reminding yourself that every day is full of mini goals, achievements, and positive steps, can

be a good move. Do you have to fight your way through the crowds to get to work in the morning? I consider

this a wonderful achievement. Hey, for some people simply getting out of bed is a major achievement!

Many of us have to build up to taking action and careful planning is required. Others prefer to jump in headfirst

and positively enjoy rapid action. Whether we actively initiate a major life changing event or fall passively

under its control, there is often a period of recovery, after the initial shock. For some, there is delayed reaction.

The most important part of all of this is to take stock of your situation and stand back. Become a little

dispassionate and look at what has happened. How would you like to react? Which mood fits the bill here?

The person who leaves their secure well paid job to become self-employed experiences the initial rush of

leaving the nine to five corporate world, and then can experience the jitters once the realisation of their

action sets in and the mortgage is waiting to be paid!

I want you to look at your experiences and remember the fact that they make you who you are today.  It’s

worth considering the fact that the only benefits in recalling and ruminating over a past negative experience

that you wish to move on from are hindrance and heartache. Just as aggressive behaviour breeds violence,

going through your badly packed baggage tends to bring about states of apathy. Getting someone else on

board to help you repack and organise, can help to make it all fit, and indeed if there is no room left in the

suitcase for certain unwanted items, you can choose to put them somewhere else to come back to later.

Very often, the speed and energy of our life journey become slow and low and sometimes we saunter along

and maybe stop along the way to settle down. The journey speed decreases to a grinding halt as many of us

become involved with the things in life that other people expect us to be involved with, when we don’t

necessarily subscribe to those beliefs ourselves. You know the kind of thing I mean - ‘Isn’t it about time you

bought a house/got married/had children/ found yourself a proper job/got your pension sorted/ditched your

boyfriend’. In addition, when you listen to their expectations the passive voice in your head is saying that

you ‘should, ought, got, or must do’. If we allow ourselves to feel judged or regard everyone else’s advice to

be better than our own, we are forced to retreat into an expected place or role where others insist we will be

happy!  When people want to break out of their given mould and feel compelled to move along their own

heartfelt path, there are sometimes negative messages posted to us from acquaintances on the periphery of

our lives – ‘Everyone else has to put up with it – why do you think you are so special.’ Well, I have to say we

are all very special.  You may not feel that way at this moment in time and you may have used phrases like

‘is this all there is?’ or ‘life’s a bitch and then you die’. It’s no secret that we all get a raw deal from time to

time – but again there are choices. Sometimes very tough choices – sometimes the words ‘a rock and a hard

place’ spring to mind. Nevertheless, if you are relatively healthy in mind, body, and spirit, and take on a

positive view of your issues and circumstances, no matter how deep and dark they seem to be, you can

begin to rise again, especially with a helping hand. I prefer to say ‘Life’s a bitch and then you live!’ because

this neatly describes the lives of those who have risen from adversity against all the odds.

If we don’t pay attention to what we are learning, hearing, feeling, and therefore absorbing, it’s difficult for

us to choose what we keep in our heads. As we move through life, those of us who choose to work on

ourselves holistically can begin to recognise what exists inside and grow as a result of taking those elements

and working on them one by one. Those who choose not to, simply make that choice. This is not mistake – it is

a choice. The life journey can change in so many ways and I believe there aren’t any mistakes as such, only

different pathways.  I spent some of my life looking back on the decisions Iv’e made and at one time,

probably during my darkest hour, I saw those decisions as mistakes and probably a huge waste of time. I

felt dissatisfied at my general situation and didn’t have a clue how to move on in order to regain control and

bring new circumstances in. This viewpoint changed over time to one of being in control and being able to

make choices. I then began to realise that no one is perfect – in fact, perfection in human beings is a lie.

I cannot pinpoint the exact moment when this change began, but I do know it started by meeting and talking

with people who shared similar beliefs to me in life. These helpful friends, family and lovers, give us new

perspectives and help us to look at ourselves more closely. When we analyse the moves we make in this big

game of life, and understand why we are making those moves, a new beginning occurs, the game becomes

easier, and your levels of control rise. No, I don’t want everyone to become control freaks, just in control to

the point of having your hands gently on the steering wheel, the motor ticking over nicely, and a clear road

ahead.

Richard Leighton

© July 2004

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